How to Have Dinner In Chinatown (If you're non-Chinese)!
by Shinigami Tayuu-Tsukuyo
Summary: So we watch a couple of the Hetalians try to have dinner with China... Humor oneshot, not really crack, but enjoy! Safe rating, don't worry :3


**So, I got this idea from eating in Chinatown...I don't know why it's so weird; It's not exactly crack, so it's just a random, blabbering dragging humor dinner with the Hetalians. Enjoy!**

_How do I get myself into these situations, aru?_ China thought, letting out a long sigh. He had been sighing a lot lately.

After a long day of trying to convince South Korea that paper was a Chinese invention, Yao decided that he wanted to go to a restaurant from his country for dinner. He really needed that cup of tea. When he was about to set off on his Hello Kitty bike, two short kids came up to him, panting. Sea...Seafort? Well, England's younger brother and Latvia had begged to tag along, saying that Russia was after them, and that they were still virgins and more nonsense that left China wondering what went on in their off they went, with Yao riding the bike and the two kids running after him.

At the diner, things only got worse. The Chinese nation caught France following them, which he happily admitted in exchange for dinner between the four of them and his two friends. Prussia and Spain, right? Obviously WRONG. France had been scouting for a place to eat with the remainder of the Allies, excluding England for some strange reason. Russia and America thundered down the street happily, as if they had been planning to invite China along all the time, though that was probably Ivan's intention. Yao wanted to run; hard with two crying kids at your feet and a 'forceful' Russian man. So he had very reluctantly stayed. And now, this...

"Pfffft, what is this stuff?!" America spat out the yellowish liquid, opening and closing his mouth in very obvious distaste.

"It's tea, a typical Chinese drink, aru."

"It tastes worse than Iggy's food." America whined.

"I think it tastes perfectly fine," China raised his voice a bit, getting annoyed at Alfred's reaction to the very high quality tea that France had randomly ordered. This was going to cost more than he expected.

"Well, that's because the hero always has the best sense of taste!"

"No you don'-"

"Now gentlemen, don't fight. We are allies, remember? Even if Angleterre is absent, we are still a team." France broke in, chiding them both in a manner that China clearly hated. But he was right. Yao sighed and backed down, resuming his calmish manner.

"Pardon me, b-but, wh-where_ is_ Mr.E-England?" Latvia whimpered quietly, not looking up from his steaming cup.

"Do not worry, mon petite ami. He is only tied to my be- I mean, dealing with his rowdy older siblings. I do hope he is alright, OHONHONHON!" Francis chuckled, with the 'light' in his eyes, eliciting a shudder from China and a smile from Russia.

"Now that England isn't here...We can all -joinmotherrussia- have fun, da?~"

The mood suddenly dropped, as everyone tried to comprehend what they heard. Finally, the bravest, and most naive, of them spoke up.

"Dude, Russia...Did you just say something?" America asked, grinning awkwardly.

The tall man opened his mouth, and paused, causing Latvia and Seafort to duck under the table and China to become more aware of the 'Anti-Russia' spray Japan had made him that was sitting in his coat pocket. Time ticked away slowly, phrases of Mandarin occasionally cutting through the silence that was probably about to be filled with eerie 'kolkolkol's.

Instead, Ivan's head bobbed up and he burped.

"I feel so much better now." He smiled and relaxed back in his seat, as if nothing happened.

"I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home, I want to go home." chanted Latvia, cowering underneath the read tablecloth.

Russia cocked his head.

"You said something, da?"

Latvia's eyes grew wide and he buried his face in Seafort's back. Eyes that were probably full of tears.

Looking around, China could see that America was busy texting someone while France was sniffing a rose that had manifested out of nowhere. It was all up to him to protect those kids, right? Taking a deep breath, he cut in awkwardly.

"We're making a big scene, aru. Let's be more quie-" Something cold and metal touched the side of Yao's forehead.

"Order. Or I'll shoot."

Alfred threw down his phone and grinned, tackling the speaker.

"Switzy! What are you doing here?" he laughed playfully, not caring or not seeing that Vash had his gun pointed at his ally's head.

Whether it was the dress shirt, the apron, the tie, or the pistol, China thought that the Swiss man looked oddly out of place in the restaurant. Then again, Switzerland wasn't the one surrounded by three idiots, a pervert, and a heavyweight Russian stalker.

"Employees can eat all their meals here for free. It's for saving money." Vash said flatly, and raised his arm so that the barrel of the gun faced upwards. He fired a warning shot into the roof, causing bits of dust and other things to fall down. Somewhere in the backdrop, people screamed.

"Be nice to the customers, big brother!" Lili called from a few tables away, her voice barely audible.

Switzerland's expression softened for moment before he looked back at China's table, giving them all the evil eye, He slammed down five menus on the table, looking slightly flustered and embarrassed that fellow nations noticed him at his job.

"You have thirty seconds." he warned, causing Yao and the others to quickly grab one. On it, he read the first few sentences.

**'WELCOME TO OUR DINER! -ifyou'renotrussia-**

**IT'S ALL YOU CAN EAT SO STAY FOR A LONG TIME! -ifyou'renotrussia-**

**ENJOY YOUR VISIT! -ifyou'renotrussia- '**

China immediately stopped reading and peered over the menu, watching Ivan with great care. To his relief, he didn't have one, for obvious reasons.

"Three more seconds." Vash warned, twiddling with the trigger with a pale index finger.

Before China could run, Seafort cut in,

"Oh, oh, let's choose this and this and this!" he announced while jabbing at several pictures on the menu. China turned as pale as Ivan's hair.

"Expensive is always better, right?"

"No, no, no, aru! Vash, don't-" The Swiss man had already vanished, probably eager to get out of their sights. China sighed loudly, wondering how mad his boss was going to be when he saw the bill. Despite his obvious sulking, the conversation continued.

"So, yesterday this guy on the street told me to give this present to Iggy, and when I gave it to him, he told me that it was from whales and threw it in the garbage! He's seriously going mental, I mean, whales giving people presents? Well, maybe for the hero, but not for the Brit." said America.

"I-I think you misheard 's w-word's...I'm pretty sure he was t-talking about his brother, Wales-" Latvia started, before he was cut off.

"Who would name a country 'Whales'?" he scoffed, still not getting it.

"It's not 'Whales', it's spelt '_W-A_-'...Umm, '_W-A-Y-E-L-S_'. Yeah, that's it!" Seafort declared in a know-it-all voice. France and Russia watched, amused, while America just frowned.

"So...That means there aren't any whales there?" he whined.

"Barely, I thi-"

"Order up." The voice was so quiet that China had first thought he had just imagined it. France's eyebrows rose as he saw the speaker. Though she was small and vulnerable, China wondered if Francis would ever dare try to lay a hand on her.

Lichtenstein was struggling to hold a platter of huge carefully prepared dumplings, savoury steaming pork buns and a shining Peking chicken, along with six bowls of fine rice that came with the meal. The contents looked bigger than her.

"Let me help you with that, mon cherie..." Francis purred, touching Lili's hand and making her face turn read. Time for the France moment to begin.

"N-no, I can handle this..." She tried to place the tray on their table, but couldn't bring her arms any higher. Then, the Frenchman began to assist her, guiding her hand so that the tray landed on the table without any spills. Lilia looked embarrassed.

"Thank you..."

"Non...the pleasure is all mine. _All_ mine." He gave her a dreamy look, one that resulted in China facepalming and America snickering.

"Another glance and she'll be sleeping with him." he commented, making no effort to hide is opinion.

She started to reply, but a loud explosion erupted from the kitchen, followed by angry yells.

"I swear, if you touch her Francis, I will personally slaughter you!" Switzerland threatened, and fired again. The first bullet missed completely, hitting and shattering a window. The second, however, as far as China could tell, barely missed France and was headed towards Russia, but detonated inches away in a fiery purple aura. Ivan smiled as if nothing happened.

_...Note to self, never fire at Russia, aru. But then again, who, besides morons, would, aru?_

After many curses, insults, and yells were exchanged, more windows were shattered, and several customers left the store, it was...peaceful again? Well, peaceful to China, who thought that if they weren't under fire or under Russian invasion, then it was okay. Meanwhile, they ate in un-silence.

"How do you eat this?" Seafort asked, poking at the dumplings with one brown chopstick.

"You pick it up with-" China began to demonstrate, but Seafort had already stabbed the foodm, sending the liquid inside all over his face.

"It's hot, ow!"

"Of course, aru." China scoffed, watching the others eat.

America stabbed it with two chopsticks. Latvia tried to slide it into his mouth, but it ended up on his lap. France picked it up with his teeth, biting off bits at a time. Russia's exploded in purple after a few attempts to pick it up.

"Do you want me to teach you, aru?" Yao offered politely.

"The hero can do this!" America announced, stabbing another and having the juice fly onto his glasses. China sighed irritably. They weren't even going to eat it, so why was he paying?

"I'm back!" a familiar voice exclaimed from outside of the semi-destroyed store. As a brown-haired man peered inside, gaping at the ruins. Then he saw Russia.

"O-oh, ...I didn't k-know you were here!" Lithuania yelped, taking off his delivery boy hat nervously and fiddling with it.

"Torris,do you wish to dine with us, da?" Russia smiled in a manner that China regarded as sadistic, and went to sit with Seafort and Latvia.

"U-ummm...I really d-don't ha-" Lithuania started, before he realized that someone was looking at him. He turned around slowly, gulping as he saw the person towering over him.

"O-oh, ..." he started, before she cut him off with the evil eye and a harsh, cold sentence.

"You and that Chinese man having been spending more time with big brother, yes?"

That was it. Yao was so done. He prepared to run off to lock himself in the washroom.

Ivan shuddered, and forced on a smile, opening his mouth to make peace. The words didn't get a chance to come out.

"Aniki! Russia, get away from aniki!" South Korea barged out of the facility room, with a tag pinned to his apron...That said 'manager'.

"K-Korea, what are you doing here? I thought this was a new Chinese restaurant...?" China turned pale.

"Yeah! Everyone knows that Chinese food was made in South Korea, da ze!"

That was the last straw. Wang Yao ran into the washrooms, locked the door, and started smashing his head against the green walls.

Outside, America looked at France.

"Dude, now! He's gone, let's ditch him so we don't need to pay!"

"Oui, oui, I agree."

"I'll come too, da?"

"Take us with you!" a certain little blonde boy yelled, and he dashed after the trio, who was immediately bombarded by a Belarusian women and a Korean boy who looked intent to rip out Russia's throat. Or kiss it.

In that manner, they left. Left China the huge bill.


End file.
